TL;DR (1,227 Words Est. Read Time 6 Minutes): I reflect on my life in Berlin so far — 2012 to 2025 — and tell some stories. At the end it becomes a “State of the Union” thing, and some hopes for the next year to come. Personal stuff. Your mileage may vary. As always, 100% human. No LLMs here.
Here we are again! On this day in 2012 I landed at Tegel and made my way from the airport to the Goethe Institute in Mitte. My first act in Berlin: take a German language placement test. I was jet-lagged, very anxious at what I had just done — shutting down my life in Seattle — and not exactly prime for a test; I was placed generously at level B1. Not exactly a great start. I had been learning German in my free time while working a professional gig in Seattle; and you don’t really find a lot of daily uses for German in quotidian Seattle life, making the learning so much more difficult. I can still remember how nervous I was that day. I can remember passing through German customs and the young, uniformed man at a counter making a point that I could only stay 90 days in-country. I can remember finding my way to Friedenau and my guest family’s apartment, and those first couple of months fresh of the plane and trying to find my way around. I was 35 years old, just about to turn 36 and things were uncertain.
I have now spent a little under 1/4 of my life in this city. It’s pretty crazy to think about. I lived through 4 years of pure anxiety as I went from unemployed, living on savings, and here on a tourist visa to employed and unlimited visa. I know that I really need to get my butt in gear and figure out citizenship, so that I can actually vote in the city. As a US citizen, I use my right to vote there in every election — I just voted in the Pierce County primary in August — but I don’t get to vote here. All I need is to take the citizenship test, which is not exactly difficult, but I’ve been dragging my feet on figuring it out. I’ve been dragging my feet on a lot of things recently. I bought a book with the exam prep, but just not making any headway on that.
And I’ve been able to build something of a community. I have some friends, joined a couple of clubs, and I’m active in a few projects. I have a little life carved out for myself, and I’m known around my neighborhood. There’s the guy at the local butcher’s counter who is friendly with me. I don’t know what his name is, but he’s always in such a terribly transmissible good mood. He weighs and wraps and packages his orders with such professional pride: like a master sushi chef. I know that he loves video games, and I often ask him what he’s playing these days. And there’s the guy who works the late shift at my local Spaeti. I often pass through, heading out for my daily walk, and then again on my way back to my apartment. I forget when, but, at some point, I started sharing with him my daily steps; and he always praises me, and goes on about how healthy it is and what a good job I’m doing…despite the fact that he knows exactly how much wine I drink in an evening. And then there’s all the staff at my local bar — Blaumilchkanal — where I can be found most evenings, sitting on the same seat at the bar. I walk through the door and they immediately grab a wine glass and start filling it with my usual order, often without even asking. I think I learned this in France, really: pick a place and keep going, interacting with staff, until everyone knows who you are, and that you’re a regular. In France, at least, that’s usually the only way you can get good service. You’ve got to build that relationship.
I have to admit that the last year has been rough: lots of treading water, and trudging through days and weeks and months, looking down at my feet. I love the liminal transition of autumn; but, once winter starts, knuckles get white. Last December was my first Christmas alone in 7 years, and it all came back how difficult Christmas alone in Berlin could be. I’ll never forget that first one, drinking by myself at the bar in the Muschi Obermeyer on Torstrasse; that was pretty bleak ass shit! As 2025 started, I just kind of drifted along, losing sight and motivation. I took my summer vacation in June, but I had no one to share it with and no money to go anywhere. So, I spent most of it volunteering at various non-profit projects. With all the inflation in the last few years, I’m reminded of a guy I knew back in Pullman, WA who pronounced, “I have seen the future, and it is expensive.”
If there are wins for last year, it’s probably the community engagement. I’ve been teaching guitar and helping with a weekly language café in Neukoelln, doing some tech consulting and public speaking for another NGO, and trying to organize my apartment building with a neighbor coalition. There have been some hits and misses there, but I’ve met new people. We have a WhatsApp group for the apartment building now with some 16 units in the group, and we might have our first neighbor meetup in the park across the street on the 28th of September. The summer break is over and the various projects are all starting back up. So, there’s plenty of community that needs a helping hand.
As usual for me, I’m trying to do too many things at the same time. It’s hard to take it slow, focus, and move one step forward. I’m often totally overwhelmed by everything…and for good reason, really! We’ve got way too much chaos, and not nearly enough hope. Just look at the latest issue of The Berliner — the English language monthly in Berlin — “Is Berlin ready for the end of the world?” — which is designed to do what exactly? Aside from pour gasoline on my anxiety disorder…
My answer to all of this has been to just focus on community. How can I participate in and help where I live? There’s a bunch of crazy shit going down in the world, but what can I do in my city, in my neighborhood, in my apartment building? How can I help so that we don’t all feel so alone, and isolated, and waiting for the bombs to drop? Each for themselves and God against all. Nothing is true; everything is permitted…
So, lucky year 13 ends today and the 14th round starts. And I hope that I can really get my shit together. I hope that I can be smarter about where I put my energy and have more patience with myself and my projects. I hope that my Apollonian self can put a calming hand on my shoulder and say, “alright. Slow your roll there, chief. No human could accomplish what you’re trying to do. Just take a breath there, and take that one step, just one. ‘Kleinvieh macht auch Mist.'” And I’ll take a breath, dust myself off, and respond, “That’s right, Apollonian self! ‘Kleinvieh macht auch Mist.'”
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